Tradition One is teaching me how to make decisions. I grew up in a family where the adults made all the decisions. I did not feel like I had a voice or that I was important. Regarding my own children, I often have made unilateral decisions. Sometimes this is necessary for their safety. However, if I am honest, I could certainly allow them to participate in some decision-making and acknowl­edge their opinions.

I had an opportunity to put this into practice when we decided to plan a family vacation. In the past, I told the children where we would go and what we would do. Even though I made plans con­sidering what I thought they would enjoy, I realized that this did not give them the feeling that they had a voice. This time we dis­cussed what each of us would like in terms of a vacation. Of course, as the adult, it was my job to include our available time and budget in the planning. One of my daughters asked if we could include a visit to a park with a freshwater spring that she had studied in school. The other children had no particular desire to go there, but they were willing because it was so important to their sister.

By working together, we were able to take a vacation that we all enjoyed, and my daughter’s suggestion was one of the highlights! It has become a favorite memory for me. My daughter loved the park, but even more importantly, she said she was glad that we went with her suggestion and proud that she had made a real contribution to our family vacation. My other children learned a valuable lesson about being open and supportive, and I learned a tremen­dous lesson as well. When I give my children the message that they are important, valuable, and respected, the entire family benefits.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, page 8.

Occasionally I find myself in a great deal of pain because of the sexaholic’s acting out. That is when I try to remember that I am never alone, and I don’t have to handle it all by myself. Left to my own thinking, I would try to handle it myself. S-Anon has taught me that trying to rely solely on myself usually just ends up extending my suffering as I muddle my way through the painful feelings.

So I say a prayer and turn it all over to my Higher Power. I call my sponsor or another S-Anon member for some helpful reminders: I am powerless over what another person does and, no matter how bad it is right now, “This too Shall Pass.” I read the literature and remember to focus on myself. I go to a meeting.

When I reach out for help, my Higher Power and the strength of the S-Anon program carry me through whatever is troubling me. I don’t have to do it all alone. That is a gift of this program.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 362.

After I got over the shock and disbelief of learning about my spouse’s betrayal, all I could feel was hurt and anger. Reminders of his cheating were everywhere and they sparked feelings of humiliation and shame. I wanted revenge for my hurt pride, so I berated and belittled my husband. While my vengeful behavior brought fleeting satisfaction, it never brought joy or happiness. I thought Step Seven was about leaving, but I realized that wouldn‘t take away the pain. I still felt love for him. Despite these realizations, I felt entitled to my anger, but the price I had to pay for clinging to that anger was more pain.

As I worked the S-Anon program, it became clear to me that while I had a legitimate reason for feeling offended, I would not stop hurting until I made a decision to let it go. Why did I let resentment, hurt, and fear torment me for so long? Hadn’t I suffered enough? I could not forgive. I was afraid that forgiving would mean pretending the betrayal didn’t happen or denying my need to take some space and time to establish trust and intimacy again. But to forgive didn’t mean those things. It only meant that I had to choose to give up my preoccupation with revenge, berating and belittling. I had to make a decision to surrender my self-righteous desire to hang onto the offended feelings.

So I decided to let them go. I knew I couldn’t get rid of the bitterness and anger by myself. I had to have God’s help. I got that help using the Seventh Step prayer found on page 76 of Alcoholics Anonymous. I surrendered, humbly asking God to remove my bitterness and anger over what my husband had done and to return the loving feelings for my husband I had felt previously. The gift I got was freedom from the pain associated with the wrongs. I was given the gift of peace.

Just as I asked in my heart specifically that the defect of ongoing bitterness and anger be removed, today I adapt this prayer to every problem that “stands in the way of my usefulness to God and my fellows.” It has always worked if I really wanted to be free of a defect. Surrendering through Step Seven always brings me a sense of joy and release.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, pages 75-76.

Ask and you will receive. Peace at any cost has cost me dearly.  In my family of origin all I saw was bickering. I felt I would not repeat what I had as a child. I guess I went totally the opposite direction. I stuffed my feelings in order to get the peace I thought I wanted in my family. I allowed myself to be dominated. I came to S-Anon in my 80’s; I wish I would have come decades ago but I am so grateful to be here now. I am recovering.

Thank God for S-Anon. I am now able to stand up for myself without fear of the outcome. I think of the many stories I have heard at our meetings and the step studies have brought me to the place I’m in today. I am so grateful for the change. I no longer fear what people might think since our group has given me so much understanding. Now I can experience real peace.

Reprinted from the Fall 2010 issue of The S-Anews©.

When I decided that I couldn’t fix our marriage and that I could only participate in it, it finally began to be a real marriage for me. When I finally stopped viewing it as a term paper or a class where, if I only did all my homework it would work, I started to understand and live the principles of the program. I’ve found that in recovery, only when I do the healthy things I have been reluctant to do, and let go of the unhealthy things that I have grasped so tightly, do I find the things that I’ve been looking for all along.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 72.

When I first began working the Steps, I struggled with several key concepts, including powerlessness, my Higher Power, and surrender. I reasoned that I have certain talents, abilities, and skills. Obviously I was intended to use these and have “power” over some things. Why was I supposed to surrender everything to my Higher Power? This confusion led to my initial interpretation of Steps One, Two, and Three, and I was left feeling small with shame. I did not want to admit my needs or ask for help from a Higher Power whom I believed loved me based on my performance. My performance was not very impressive.

Later, I realized that admitting my powerlessness did not mean that I was helpless. Rather, powerless meant that I was the recipient of gifts that my Higher Power wanted me to use to the fullest. Surrendering my will and my life to my Higher Power has resulted in wonderful and unexpected outcomes that I alone could not have caused.

I understand now that part of my spiritual growth involves surrendering not only my fears, shortcomings, and lack of faith, but also how I use my talents, skills, and abilities. My Higher Power unconditionally loves me and is able to miraculously transform everything I surrender into more opportunities for progress for me and my fellows.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 21.