When I came to S-Anon, I thought I had already done Steps One, Two, and Three, because I already believed in a loving God and had given my life to Him. As I learned more about the Steps, I realized that I had a very hard time admitting my powerlessness and turning over to God certain situations in my life. I had been sure that if I were just good enough, smart enough, or had tried long enough and hard enough, things would turn out O.K.—or the way I wanted. I had to learn and continue to learn that I do not have power over sexaholism, that the sexaholic in my life has a Higher Power, too, and that God is the only one who can restore me to sanity and serenity.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 39.

Helping out after the birth of a second grandchild is giving me a new appreciation of the value of Tradition Two. Through the gifts of the program, my style of “helping” has changed from authority to trusted servant. I participate in decisions by offering my thoughts and then letting go of the outcome. My daughter often asks my opinion, and I also offer it on my own when I think it might be of value, but I can now offer my experience as one way of doing things rather than as the only right way. I frequently comment, “This is my vote on the issue, but of course it is your decision.” I think my daughter appreciates this more considerate and less bossy attitude. I am here to serve and support, not to control and dictate. I ask my Higher Power to help me remember that and to guide my interactions. I am learning to say things like, “Is now a good time for me to give the baby his bath?” rather than, “I am going to give the baby his bath now.” I try to gently remind my daughter of her doctor’s instructions not to pick up anything heavier than the baby right now, rather than just insisting she let me carry the diaper bag. This kinder, humbler, gentler approach is more respectful to my daughter and helps to create an atmosphere of peace and harmony. I still make mistakes and slip into an authoritarian mode, but I am quicker to recognize that now and make amends. Tension can build more quickly since we are sleep-deprived, so timely amends are especially important. Having a new baby in the family is both joyous and stressful, but applying Tradition Two has lessened the stress and increased the joy. I am so grateful.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, page 24-25.

I have to admit that sometimes letting go feels more like chest-wrenching pain than gentle detachment with love from the actions of another person. Through using the principles of the S-Anon program, I have done all I can to safely stay in my relationship with my sexaholic partner. It has become clear that it is no longer safe to remain in the relationship, and I know I must now face my fear and let go, but my chest hurts when I consider actually doing it. I decided to offer that feeling to God and to invite God to do “heart surgery.”

This is my prayer: “God, if it is your will, please open my chest and heal my heart. You have opened the door for me to separate from the sexaholic before. Today please give me the courage to walk through the door, though not without sadness, pain, hope, or help. Please remove all the hurt and pain, and heal my heart.”

I am grateful for the willingness to work an S-Anon program, for the support I have from family and friends in my meetings, and for new opportunities that lay ahead of me. Thank you, God, for answering my prayer.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 345.

As I became willing and able to make amends to my children, God gave me opportunities to do so. I have shared some information about the S-Anon program with a daughter who lives nearby. She knows that her father and I attend program meetings weekly. One day, this daughter, her baby son and I went shopping together. In the course of our conversation she shared that she had been disappointed by my attitude and behavior at her wedding five years previously. “You were not there for me when I got married.” I knew it was true. At that very time, her father was spiraling down into the depths of his sexaholism, and I was heading for my “bottom,” too. I was so focused on my husband’s problem that I could not muster the energy to be excited for my daughter. She went on to say that this had been the biggest day of her life, and I just did not seem to care. Fortunately, I had made enough progress in my
recovery that I was able to hear this without offering explanations or excuses. I understood that part of my amends to her was listening uncritically to her feelings and acknowledging the truth that I had not been emotionally present for her then.

After sharing her hurt and disappointment, she went on to say how much she appreciates my interest in her child. Her father and I had spent the day in the hospital with them when the baby was born. When he was two months old, I took care of him for a few days while they painted their new home. She told me I am a terrific grandmother and that she could see that attending S-Anon meetings has changed me. She sees a new, softer-hearted, loving woman with whom she trusts her child. The Ninth Step has allowed this daughter and me to grow closer.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 101.

For me, a slip in S-Anon is going back to the beliefs and behaviors which characterized my adult life until I got into the S-Anon program. For many years I believed that I could control others and that I was responsible for their behavior. I was sexual with my husband before he traveled in the delusional belief that it would make him less likely to look at other women while he was away from home. I reminded my children several times about every appointment and obligation they had – and the result was that they never had to learn to be responsible themselves. I snooped through my husband’s mail in the belief that knowledge is power. My efforts to change others were unending – and usually fruitless.

In S-Anon I learned that I could not control others, that I was not responsible for others’ behavior, and that my efforts to spare others from experiencing any negative consequences had a name – enabling – and that it wasn’t beneficial to them. I learned to let others be responsible for themselves and to focus on myself. I found out that people need to learn things for themselves; that even if I believe I have all the answers, I need to let them figure it out in their own way.

I still have slips, but I’m getting better at recognizing them for what they are. When my husband and I are to be separated for a week or two, I sometimes find myself tempted to make our last night together “a night to remember,” whether or not I myself am feeling sexual. I still have to bite my tongue in order not to explain to my husband the reasons for the way he’s feeling, how it relates to his family of origin, and what he can do about it. And I often get confused between what is healthy parenting and what is codependency in dealing with my children.

I felt a sense of triumph when I did not remind my teenage daughter about an important test she had signed up for – and which she then forgot to take. That was the last time she forgot an important test. Another triumph was not giving my husband my opinion when he was considering agreeing to meet a former girlfriend in another city, even though in my head I was citing chapter and verse about the foolhardiness of such a meeting. Because I kept my mouth shut, he was able to work through the consequences himself, with the help of his Higher Power, and he did not have to worry about pleasing me.

Having had many more years of practicing non-recovery than I’ve had practicing recovery, often my initial impulse still is to control, manage, and feel responsible. Feelings of abandonment surface unbidden at times and cry out for preventive action. In recovery I’m learning that although I may not have a choice about feeling these feelings, I do have a choice about whether to act on them or not. With time it gets easier to recognize these feelings as irrational and to avoid acting on them. Slips still do occur, but they happen less frequently, and I’m learning to recognize them more quickly. Thank you, S-Anon!

Reprinted from the 1990 Summer issue of S-Anews©.

I have heard people say that working the program is like taking a shower—no one can do it for you. So when I feel the need to “help” or try to make things turn out the way I think they should, I may be standing in the way of both my partner’s and my recovery without realizing it. I have a hard time not giving my opinion because he used to ask me time and again “What do you think?” and “What should I do?” Now I am aware that if I feel a decision he’s trying to make might affect me in some way, it is rarely possible for me to be objective. It is actually a load off my mind when I accept that no matter how much I love my husband, I cannot be certain what is best for him. In fact, I must admit that I often do not know what is best for myself!

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 46.