Some married S-Anons new to our program express surprise at seeing so many single S-Anon members regularly attending meetings. “Why do you need to go if you’re no longer married to the sexaholic?” they ask. The reason that we go is to get recovery for ourselves, regardless of our marital status.

I began going to S-Anon at my husband’s suggestion, even though I did not perceive that I had a problem. It was only when as part of my first step I made an inventory of all my significant past relationships that I realized that indeed I did have a problem. What I recognize was that every important relationship, beginning with my first romance at age nineteen, was with an emotionally unavailable person. The details differed, but the bottom line was that I had made consistently poor choices in my relationships. I had to face the fact that I was attracted to people with whom I could not have a healthy, intimate relationship. Time after time I had rejected the stable, loving man because he was “boring,” while I pursued the exciting, unavailable, unpredictable guy. And I realized, to my dismay, that if my current marriage were to end, I would undoubtedly once again seek an unhealthy relationship. That was when I knew I needed to work on myself. “Our relationships can only be as healthy as we are,” we learn in the program. Some single S-Anon members have also recognized a long-term pattern of making poor choices. If those of us who are single hope at some point to have a healthy relationship, we need to become healthy ourselves first.

In the S-Anon program I also became aware how my tremendous fear of abandonment has led me to accept unacceptable behaviors in others. I could not establish boundaries as long as being alone felt like a fate worse than death. Now that my self-esteem has improved to where I know I would be comfortable alone, I have real choices in my life. I am in my current relationship by choice, not out of dependency. Single S-Anon members who are working on this issue have shared their unhappiness over being alone and their desperation to get into a new relationship. They describe how easily their boundaries erode and how quickly they return to people -pleasing behaviors in an attempt to hold onto a new relationship. S-Anon members who have separated from spouses who are still acting out have shared their difficulty in staying away from the spouse and their temptation to give her/him another chance although the spouse is not in recovery. In S-Anon we learn that we are worthwhile people who do not need a relationship to make us feel whole.

Our basic emotional health does not depend on our marital status. S-Anon helps us build our self-esteem, love ourselves, and make healthier choices in our lives. Too many of us have let significant others be our Higher Power. In S-Anon we learn to rely on a real Higher Power so that we can be happy whether single or in a relationship.

Reprinted from the Summer 1990 issue of The S-Anews©.

What generally stands between me and willingness is fear. I’m usually willing to do things that feel comfortable to me, but when I’m afraid, my willingness diminishes. For example, when I was first asked to lead a meeting, I fearfully said “no.” But the person asking encouraged me by saying that we were all equals and that we all supported the group. Her words helped me become willing. Now when fear comes up—whether it’s working with a sponsee or setting a boundary with the sexaholic, I ask my Higher Power to be with me and to increase my willingness to walk through my fear.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 52.

I remember sitting quietly and listening as my sexaholic partner told me about S-Anon, a program that could help me. On the outside I was courteous, while on the inside I felt like I wanted to explode. I could see this was terribly important to him; however, it turned out to be vital for me as well. When he finished explaining, he handed me a piece of paper with the S-Anon contact information.

The first thing I did was to call my current sponsor from another Twelve Step program. Much to my surprise, she told me a part of her story I had never heard before. She had been married to a sexaholic years before. She was well acquainted with Twelve Step programs, so after discovering his disease, she had looked for help. S-Anon was not in existence, so, regrettably, there was no one to welcome her and show her that she was not alone in the problem.

After our phone conversation, I called the S-Anon helpline in my area. I received a call back from a local S-Anon member. She listened quietly and respectfully as I shared my feelings of fear and discomfort. She helped me to understand that I could benefit from S-Anon because of my relationship with a sexaholic. She gave me information about the meetings and suggested that I attend one near my home the following night.

I know now this was Tradition Three* in action. I am grateful that the wisdom found in Tradition Three helps me today when I take calls from people who are affected by someone’s sex addiction.

*Tradition Three states, “The relatives of sexaholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an S-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.”

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 37.

In a stormy period before recovery, my sexaholic husband and I attempted to take dance lessons. After three sessions we stopped speaking to one another. That was the end of dance lessons. We did what we often did back then – quit rather than work through the problem.

A few years into recovery, we found ourselves at a restaurant that had dancing. Our relationship was in a good place and we decided to dance. We laughed because we had forgotten everything we had learned in those few lessons years before. We were not a pretty sight, but the difference between what we were like before recovery and what we were like after just a few years in our respective programs was striking. We actually had a good time!

Now it is years later, and soon we will be taking a cruise to celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. There will be dancing, so I dared to suggest that we take a few lessons before going. My husband agreed and admitted he was nervous because of our previous dance lessons. I shared with him my awareness that I was the one who had caused a great deal of the problem in those first lessons. I had been so focused on how he was doing and trying to lead him, that I had made cooperation difficult.

Today I am aware that I no longer need to be in control. I can follow a lead.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 22.

The atmosphere of love and recovery I have experienced from S-Anon members sharing at International Conventions has been more helpful to me personally than I could have ever imagined. The first Convention I attended was particularly memorable. I found myself surrounded by caring people who understood because they had been where I was. I finally felt safe enough to allow myself to experience the pain and grief built up over 25 years in three marriages and countless dysfunctional relationships. I was able to admit to myself that some of the actions I had taken over the years — that had seemed so necessary — had only served to maintain and increase my insanity and had caused people I care about, including myself, endless heartache and trouble.

For so many years I had complained about being rejected, and I finally saw that I myself had done much of the rejection, both physical and emotional, of those I claimed to have loved. I had judged and condemned others, while complaining that they were judging and condemning me. I cried for two days straight. The relief was unbelievable! These were healing tears, not tears of rage and frustration.

The tendency toward isolation that seems to be such a large part of this disease and a real impediment to recovery was replaced with a wonderful feeling of being a “part of.” I get that same feeling every time I attend a Convention, regional conference, or even a meeting. Possibly the reason that the Convention had such an overwhelming effect on me was that I heard so many people share their stories, and saw myself over and over with such clarity – for the first time in my life. All my old ideas were paraded before me – “It’s not so bad,” and “I’m not as ‘sick’ as these other people, so I probably don’t need to go to these meetings,” “I already know what’s what so why work the steps and make a special effort to get honest with myself”. All of these delusions were finally exposed for the rationalizations they were. Pride made me cling to these thoughts, and they in turn kept me locked into the pain that was so hurtful, and yet so familiar. I see now that I needed to be free of that form of denial, or no further recovery would have been possible. I thought I had already taken the First Step, but it was during my experience of my first International Convention that I felt the certainty of my powerlessness, at a gut level. I’m so grateful to my Higher Power for that experience, for all of you out there, and for this program of recovery.

Reprinted from the Summer 1989 issue of The S-Anews©.

When I came to S-Anon, I thought I had already done Steps One, Two, and Three, because I already believed in a loving God and had given my life to Him. As I learned more about the Steps, I realized that I had a very hard time admitting my powerlessness and turning over to God certain situations in my life. I had been sure that if I were just good enough, smart enough, or had tried long enough and hard enough, things would turn out O.K.—or the way I wanted. I had to learn and continue to learn that I do not have power over sexaholism, that the sexaholic in my life has a Higher Power, too, and that God is the only one who can restore me to sanity and serenity.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 39.