I thought all the people were crazy and I was not coming back! My husband had gotten into recovery, which is what I had wanted for ten years. He started going to meetings, but I was so mad! I felt very left out, and inside I was raging, “He’s getting all this support when I’m the one who’s been injured! I’m the one who’s been hurt! Help me!” So I would drill him when he came home from meetings and ask, “What did you talk about?” It got to the point where one night my very soft-spoken husband exploded in anger, “If this is the way it’s going to be every time I go to a meeting, I’m going to stay home!” And I thought, “Oh no! Is he going to stop this because I’m angry that he’s getting better?”
Sex addiction came into my life seemingly out of nowhere. It felt like a big, black train in the night. After some serious step-work leading to self-examination, I realized that the “train whistles” had been very loud, and obvious. I now believe that I wasn’t able to see or hear the “train” for many reasons, one of which was that it simply wasn’t God’s timing for me to see it. Another reason was because of my S-Anon Problem– beginning with denial and faulty thinking. It took a long time for me accept my part in this mess and how I resonated with a line from the S-Anon Problem: “We chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way.” Once I steadied myself a little, I spent a lot of time smacking myself on the back of the head wondering how I could have missed this glaring problem that existed in my home (and probably had for some time before.) I had always thought of myself as smart and sassy, so this shook my self-esteem to the core on many levels. During those crazy early days of “discovery,” also known, for me, as “shock and awe,” somehow I knew that within all the insanity I had to find some structure, something to stop my mind from wandering, or I would not survive this.