In Step Seven we find a way to settle our emotional turmoil and make a move toward God. Only God could remove our obsession with the sexaholic, and only God can remove our defects of character. As we approach Step Seven, most of us have learned to call upon God in times of great need. We really have begun to desire humility, instead of just accepting it as something we “should” want. We have learned we can accomplish more with a humble attitude than we can when we are prideful and fearful. Humility works better not only when we are asking God for help, but also when we are dealing with the people in our lives. Humility allows us to ask for and accept God’s forgiveness. With that forgiveness, our consciences can be at ease. As long as we place genuine reliance upon a Higher power, our humility is at work. If we return to relying on our own strength and intelligence, we are still trying to play God.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 74.

Before S-Anon, I lived in past memories and sexaholic traumas. For example, I went into obsessive thinking when my partner wore the same clothes as he had the day before, believing that this meant he hadn’t spent the night at his own house. Other obsessive triggers included seeing women of certain ethnicities to whom I knew he was attracted, hearing about movies he had seen and I had not, and listening when he would describe women with whom he had had affairs as “friends.” I seldom experienced peace of mind – I was constantly reacting. I have steadily worked the S-Anon program for some time now, and I am rarely triggered into reacting anymore. I mind my own business and focus on the things I can change, rather than on the things I cannot control. I no longer participate in conversations with my partner which have to do with his sexual acting out. My sobriety and serenity depend upon my continuing to nurture a primary relationship with a Higher Power who brings me sanity.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 240.

When I first heard people say in S-Anon meetings that they were focusing on themselves, I thought this sounded like a selfish and self-absorbed fellowship.  In my childhood, I was taught that giving to others first was the way to go.  Being generous and self-sacrificing was being good.  How could focusing on myself be of any good to anyone including me?  Working through the Twelve Steps has been an opportunity for me to examine my motives and my relationship with God and others. Through the Twelve Steps and using other tools of the program, I have learned to focus on myself.  I saw the truth about harm I had caused others and myself in my noble effort to be helpful.  How could trying to be helpful be harmful?  That didn’t make much sense to me for a long time.  I still sometimes forget.

I found S-Anon was a fellowship that welcomed me and allowed me to collapse in exhaustion and despair.  Even in program, I needed to feel helpful, worthwhile, and approved of.  What would I do if I couldn’t do for others what they weren’t doing?  There was plenty of stuff around that needed to be done.  Who’s going to do it?  Why not me?

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Lying in the floor in a puddle of tears shortly after disclosure from my spouse, I realized that my life was unmanageable. However, true to my deep self-reliance, I moved forward and kept busy. One week later the sexaholic in my life offered me information about S-Anon. I was too angry to listen and believed I couldn’t trust him anymore and so I stayed away.

Four weeks later, after performing my own due diligence and checking on the S-Anon fellowship, I found a hotline number for my local area meetings on the website. I called the hotline and was given information about meetings in my area. Was it coincidence that the earliest meeting was on the rare night I had to myself?

As I walked into the meeting my thoughts were racing and I KNEW no one could know what I was going through. As I listened to the members my heart sighed with relief. I shared my story, and again wept (as I had four weeks earlier) knowing that my life was unmanageable. I looked around and realized that the members KNEW where I was. I could see that they truly understood how I felt. People were not surprised by my story. Nobody reacted. They shared pieces of their stories with me and while I was still feeling awkward in my first Twelve Step room, I felt I belonged. Most importantly, they shared that they all felt so much better because of S-Anon and several members stayed after the meeting to offer their support and their encouragement.

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S-Ateen groups are not counseling or therapy groups. We do not give advice. The S-Ateen group sponsors at meetings are not professional counselors. They are S-Anon members working their own recovery program, who offer guidance and support, as the S-Ateen members learn to support each other. S-Ateen members may also seek out the assistance of professional helpers like therapists, clergy, or doctors to help deal with crisis situations or to focus in depth on personal issues.

S-Ateen meetings are not a place to complain, gossip, criticize, or stay stuck in our problems. Each S-Ateen member is given time to share in the meetings. You will have the support of other S-Ateen members, as you learn to focus on the solution, rather than the problem.

Reprinted from Is S-Ateen for You?, page 2.

As we explored the sources of our problems, the deep roots of our misery became more apparent. We discovered that we were the source of much of the pain for which we had blamed others. We examined our attitudes and behavior in a thorough way for the first time and began to see that the sexaholic wasn’t the only one causing problems in the relationship. We were willing to search out, spend some time and be thorough with ourselves.

An inventory is usually a method of counting items to find what is on hand and what is missing. Step Four is similar, except that we take stock of assets and defects of character. We find that we all have qualities that are positive, some that are negative and some that are still unknown, and as we work Step Four, we shed light upon some aspects of our characters that may have been blocking our spiritual growth.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 39.