Once I learned that S-Anon existed, I knew I would attend, but my motives were mixed. Mostly I felt that I “should” go, to be the loving wife that could never be accused of not supporting her husband, an addict. But part of me knew that I needed to talk in an environment that allowed open discussion of a painful, even embarrassing, disease. The complexities of being married to a sexaholic – a respected leader in the community – were such that I was desperate to talk to someone who would understand. Going to the first meeting was hard. Only one other member was there, and at first I was disappointed and felt some pressure that my first meeting was to be a one-on-one conversation. But I was able to tell her my story, and to hear hers, before a few other people arrived quite late. Before the meeting, I expected to meet horrible people who were married to perverts. During that meeting, and those that have followed in the time I’ve been working this program, I’ve met some wonderfully honest and compassionate people. I went at first because of my husband’s addiction. Now I go because of my own difficulties and struggles.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Newcomer’s Information Booklet.

I was real familiar with going into a group and blending into the woodwork. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting somebody’s feelings, or making a fool of myself. I always worried about how other people saw me, so I thought the best approach for me at my first meeting was not to speak, and I wondered if I would ever be able to share with the group. After I had been coming to meetings for a while someone told me, “If you want to get better, you have to raise your hand. You have to share what’s going on with you.” And when I felt ready, I did. And it really does work.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Newcomer’s Information Booklet.

It was like coming home! Several years before I found S-Anon I was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. At that time I said to my therapist, “I wish there was a group like Al-Anon for me because I feel completely alone.” But the S-Anon people at that first meeting knew my pain and my despair. The topic of the discussion was “enabling,” and it nearly broke my heart to find out that all my frantic efforts to “help” had actually “helped” my husband stay in addiction. At the same time, a two-ton weight was lifted from my shoulders when I was told this behavior was not my responsibility. Finally I was given the chance to work on myself and it hurts so good!

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Newcomer’s Information Booklet.

I remember sitting there and having no idea what was happening. I didn’t understand what they meant by “powerlessness” and I didn’t understand how my life was unmanageable. I could hear it in other people’s stories, but I thought I was there to support my husband – he was the one with the problem, not me! The topic of the meeting that night was “Anger” and I remember being appalled and thinking to myself, “This is the angriest bunch of people I ever met in my life!” I didn’t know then that “If you spot it, you got it.” I didn’t know at that point how angry I was inside. I slowly came to realize that I was powerless over a lot of things…finally after about five meetings I was able to start listening. I had to come to the point of despair in order to come out of denial, but it was wonderful that my S-Anon group was there to support me.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Newcomer’s Information Booklet.

I have shared this before and it hasn’t changed for me. It reminds me on a daily basis why I am “here!” I like to call it my spiritual maintenance.

Tradition Five:  “Each S-Anon Family group has but one purpose:  to help families of sexaholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of S-Anon, by encouraging and understanding our sexaholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of sexaholics.”

I have to remember that S-Anon has but one purpose (including the on-line group has but one purpose).

If I haven’t got it I can’t give it away.  So I had to work very hard on my own “stuff.” I learned to apply the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to my life; I came to understand that the Spiritual basis of this Program is universal.

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I hoped I would find some answers on how I could fix my husband. Even though I was suicidal, I really didn’t think that I had that much of a problem. Talk about minimizing! It was a humbling experience for me to realize that my addiction to my husband was just as devastating as my husband’s addiction to lust. I realized that my recovery was really and truly a matter of life and death for me, and that there was no in-between. I never did figure out how to fix my husband, but the longer I keep coming back to S-Anon just for myself, the more joy and serenity I feel.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Newcomer’s Information Booklet.