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After my husband had nearly 14 years of sobriety, evidence of his relapse was revealed to me on three separate occasions. My responses have been interesting. The first – finding pornography in his car – was a devastating shock. Initially, I denied that it was his. Working with my sponsor, my S-Anon program kicked in, and I accepted that it was his. After reflecting and talking with others in the program, I realized my focus still was on how to get “him” or “us” back on track. I was redirected to look at my own program, and determine if I was taking care of my physical and spiritual needs.
The second instance, a few months later, involved stumbling onto him viewing pornography on a public access computer terminal. I was hurt and withdrew emotionally by having minimal direct contact and overtly expressing my indifference. I worked the Steps around my own behavior over the year leading up to and during his relapse. It became clear to me that he was not the only one who had been in relapse.
The third instance again involved finding pornography in his car. There was no devastating shock and no emotional withdrawal. I stayed in the present, leaning on my Higher Power and using my tools. I instituted boundaries for myself and communicated honestly with my husband. I took time for myself, yet met my responsibilities at home and at work. I don’t know how this will turn out, but I do know God is with me and I will be O.K. My program is back in place.
Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 14.