Facing my Fear

Like many others, I believed that sex was the most important sign of love. I looked for reassurance through sex; when my husband found me sexually attractive, then I felt like a worthwhile person. I thought that if it weren’t for sex he would probably leave me. A period of abstinence brought me face to face with these beliefs. I recognized for the first time how much of my self-esteem came from believing I was sexually attractive. It was good for me to face my fear that my spouse wanted me only for my body, because it was the first step toward changing those old beliefs. I began to see that I, too, used sex as a short-cut to, or a substitute for, intimacy. I had never learned how to touch or hug or kiss without it leading to sex, so a period of abstinence was a good opportunity for me to learn new ways to be intimate.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 183.