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When I first came into program, and I heard people talk about having a spiritual awakening, I was in anticipation of the “big one”. The Twelfth Step talks about having had “one,” and I was definitely ready for it. When I thought about it, I thought it was a one-time event in which I would feel different immediately, and I should be a changed person afterwards. By working through the steps and working with my sponsor, I understand now that my spiritual awakening is a gradual one.
In spite of the painful circumstances that brought me to S-Anon, I was drawn to recovery and excited to do the work. In that sense, when I first entered the meeting rooms I had a sudden awakening. In reality, my spiritual awakening is a daily event that grows as I stay more focused on God and how He works through others and me. My awakening is just that: I have been awakened by God to live differently, to live through God’s eyes. I have noticed how I worry less and obsess less. I am no longer focused on my sexaholic spouse blaming him for all my problems and feelings. In fact, I can see how the unmanageability I felt around the sexaholic’s actions forced me into a more spiritual life. I now can ask for help. I can forgive and pray for forgiveness. I feel my life has changed and that I have changed because now I see the purpose of my life differently. I’m glad that this is not a one-time event. I’m grateful there is no finish line. I’m happy to be in recovery training for the rest of my life.
Reprinted from the Fall 2010 issue of The S-Anews©.