I am able to recognize that my perspective in the past was warped. My family of origin had a belief system based in fear: fear of not being good enough, or lovable, and fear of abandonment. I developed attitudes and mindsets that caused me to seek approval and attention. Later on, I developed the belief that sex was an important sign of love. I had no real feelings of gratitude and I wanted others to be appreciative of what I could offer them. I brought all of this into my marriage of over 30 years.
Through my effort to work this S-Anon program, especially my Step work, I have a new awareness and perspective based in recovery, honesty, and open-mindedness. I am willing to look at myself from this new perspective and my attitudes have changed. Focusing on me as this program suggests is the single most important element for my recovery. I cannot stress this enough.
I can still be challenged. My reaction regarding my recent unemployment situation was a test for my new recovery perspective. I was able to move from the shocked negative place I was in to an acceptance of my Higher Power’s plan for me. I sought out the support that I needed by reaching out to my S-Anon fellowship, my sponsor, and close friends. In the past, I would not even consider a spiritual aspect to how things evolve in my life, but rather how unfair and desperate my situation was. I still face unknowns but it’s not so scary. It’s hard to explain and it surprises me that I am okay with this plan. My attitude is that I will be okay, I am not alone. I am in the loving care of my Higher Power. For this, I am grateful.
I have deep appreciation for what this program has done and will continue to do in my life.
Reprinted from the Fall 2009 issue of S-Anews©.