"Listening"

When I first came to S-Anon, I knew that I needed help.  I wasn’t fooling myself with thinking that I was there for the sexaholic.  I knew that I needed help; I just didn’t know what kind of help I needed.  Now, on my one year anniversary of beginning the S-Anon program, I’m still learning what it is that I get from my weekly meetings.

Today I know that one thing I’ve picked up that I consider a pivotal and imperative positive trait is the gift of listening.  It seems like such a simple tool, but it can be very difficult to listen when egos and bruised feelings get in the way.  Before we started our recovery programs, when my husband and I discussed touchy subjects it nearly always ended up with raised voices and lashing out.  This was mainly because one of us wasn’t slowing down enough, wasn’t breathing and calming down enough, to listen.

I credit the format of my S-Anon group with my learned ability to listen more acutely to what my husband is saying and to allow him to finish his sentences in their entirety before I start talking.  My S-Anon meeting has solid and helpful rules of no cross-talking, and we never, ever interrupt.  Introducing ourselves before we speak is a sign of respect and being genuine while expressing our thoughts and feelings.

It’s ironic to me, sitting here today when I think of all the times I got into trouble at school for talking too much or not listening to the teacher and doing something else instead of what the teacher directed.  It seems easy for me to just go on and on expressing how I’m feeling regarding any particular subject.  But, listening hasn’t come so easily.  I’m thankful to my S-Anon group for showing me how to listen and that it is a really important part of healing.

"Higher Power: Loving and Kind"

I believe that it is essential to our program and our well-being to choose a Higher Power that is loving and kind.  I have observed that for some this is difficult because they had no experience with religious beliefs.  I was not one of these. 

I had a strong religious background and in my head I thought I believed in a loving Higher Power but in reality my view of God was not loving and kind.  As a result, I had a very difficult time with the Third Step.  I spoke with many people about it.  Finally, I realized that if my view of God was not kind and loving then that “God” could not truly be the God of my religion nor of me.

This is the action I took:  I thought about the place inside where I know that I am at peace, quiet and peaceful.  Then I envisioned being in that peace with God lovingly smiling down on me.  I pictured this God taking my old “god”, placing it far away from me and my family, and not allowing it to come back.  This “new” God is powerful enough to do that.  This was the beginning for me of a loving, kind Higher Power. 

What happens to me if I let go of control and admit my powerlessness regarding the sexaholic?  He might get worse.  He might leave me.  Our family may break up.  Sometimes I feel that I can’t let go because I’ve suffered so much.  It may get worse or he may get off scot free for all the pain he has caused me!  These are some fears I had regarding surrendering to God.  For me, this surrender has a principal of honesty to be learned.  I am powerless over the sexaholic but not over myself.  I have choices for myself and by admitting powerlessness I become empowered.  The result is surrender. I surrender to the truth that I am not all powerful.  Again, for me this is honesty.  By letting go of fear I can begin to live, live my own life.  I can stop trying to be God.  It is such a relief when I finally surrender.